Breaking free from family expectations is one of the most difficult challenges in my lifetime.

by Savina Cavallo

Family.  The immediate one.  The one I grew up in.  And my children too.

I grew up in a “dysfunctional” family…whatever that means.  You see, I understand that there is no real perfect family.  What are the parameters?  I understand that each of us do the best we can in the role we play in Family and in Life.

That includes my parents.  That includes me.  That includes my adult children today.

I still feel stressed trying to please and play the part I felt I needed to play to survive emotionally in my family when growing up.  I find myself still as an adult playing those same roles with my father, my brother, my oldest daughter.

My father expects total respect just because he’s my father.  In his mind and perception, that’s a given….not necessarily the other way around.  So my feelings and expectations in our relationship are not acknowledged by him.

My brother, who’s 12 years older than me, is the same.  So when he feels upset with me about something, he’ll just call me and snap at me, without any discussion or even giving me an opportunity to clarify….and he does the same with my 28 year old son.  You see, he doesn’t like my son because my son doesn’t take shit from anybody.  He’s not disrespectful…but he expects respect.  My brother doesn’t know how to deal with this.  He sees my son as my father sees me.

My oldest daughter, who’s 33 now, is still living decades in the past and walking around with old resentments and unresolved issues….OF HER FREAKEN OWN!!  But, she tries to dump them on me.  She jumps at any opportunity she has to lash out at me, to make me feel bad and guilty and dirty and all the stuff she has inside.

On the other hand, I’m blessed with my other two adult children, who have done their own inner work, are still growing, have released the past, and we get along just fine.  Thank you God.

Family.  There is no handbook with instructions on how to deal with these emotionally charged relationships.  I’ve tried everything I know up to now:

• let things pass to avoid conflict. Doesn’t work (for me)


• Write a letter to them expressing how I feel.  Doesn’t work


• Talk things over.  Doesn’t work.

Family are very set in their ways.  What do I do?  How do I act?  From all the inner work and healing I’ve done (journaling, YOU University personal development program, studying A Course in Miracles principles, reparenting myself) I now know I have a responsibility to myself to protect my boundaries, or they will be stepped on over and over.  Unfortunately, Family is not accustomed to this new behavior.

It’s hard for me.  It’s confusing.  Is this loving?  Is this the “right “thing to do?  I don’t want to hurt anybody….now, including Me.

Well, I don’t have these answers.  All I know is that I feel it’s time to acknowledge my own place in life and break free from the old, toxic patterns of Family  I carry these patterns within myself also, since I’m a part of Family too.  So I keep aware of my own reactions, learning to choose responses that are healthier and more loving for me.