Why do we always fight when...?
One of the things I love to help transform in a client's life, is the way of their intimate relationship. The relationship advice I give is based on my experience. My own path wound through a 19-year first relationship which produced much pain and 4 kids, a short 1 1/2 year relationship which taught me what I didn't know about what a relationship could be but wasn't and, 30 years ago, the one that has it all.
My husband and I have an amazing intimate relationship - amazing if it was the only one we ever had but most amazing because it is a 3rd marriage for us both. "The Martian", aka my husband, promises to comment on my entries on this topic. We're calling him Martian because he's a high school teacher and doesn't want his students to find him on the internet.
I haven't fully figured it out but almost every time there's a weekend or a vacation, the first thing that happens is - we have a fight - small and dumb - but a fight nonetheless. Somebody wrote a song that says something like, "why do we always fight when I ....... something? "
Relationship advice: Maybe we feel safe enough to bring our frazzled energy picked up from the rest of our lives to each other to dump out so we can refill it with the love that we share the rest of the time. It's like removing the sediment of life so pure, fresh love has room to flow.
I always thought we'd get over it but we've been together for 30 years and we did it not long ago at the beginning of a weekend. But we always work through it and find our way more easily and more easily to our everyday love and respect.
YOU University Coaching/Life Coach Training and Life Coaching
I forget the name of the song or who wrote it but John Denver has a line in a song that goes "why do we always fight when it's time to go..."
ReplyDeleteI have learned that fights (at least in our relationship) are very healing. I am not recommending that for everyone, by the way.
For us, it seems we do it unconsciously to get the energy moving. Our communication is always better and closer after a fight.
Maybe I should define fight. A fight for Maia and me is some cross - even angry words which is then immediately is followed by a lot (and here I mean a lot) of talking. The talking is like foreplay and it certainly works.
Some tips:
It helps if during the angry part that we don't say things that we will regret later. In the 29 years we have been together, Maia has only walked out one time and I have only walked out maybe 2 or 3 times. All of the walkouts were temporary and involved like walking around the block before coming back. It is better if you just stay the room and tough it out. If you must leave, don't go far or let your partner know when you will be back.
Unfortunately, self-control is severly impacted by intense anger. Persons who are able to manage their intense emotions do not have anger management problems.
ReplyDeleteFYI: The kind of anger we express and experience looks nothing like loss of self-control. This is just the normal, humans-who-love-and-respect-each-other variety.
ReplyDeleteHow do I know if I'm just being too sensitive? I feel like every time we argue he's being unreasonable and a total jerk with a superiority complex; but, what if it's me, what if I'm the one misunderstanding. I feel like im not wrong because he just makes me feel so awful that I actually feel sick. and no matter how many times I try to talk to him about it he says he'll try to change then bam three days later its back to square one.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't too sensitive. You are just sensitive and if cannot understand that, then he needs an education or you need a new partner. I have a class on the problems in relationships that costs $9 which you can find here: https://www.udemy.com/make-your-relationship-last-forever-problems-the-problems/ and one with some great tools for a relationship with some issues but not a terrible one here: https://www.udemy.com/making-a-relationship-last-forever-a-womans-point-of-view/ that costs $35. You can email me if you like at maiaberens@youuniversityonline.com
ReplyDelete