Senior Sex Drive
You've probably read or heard stories like I have about how much sex seniors have - in retirement homes, in movies. Anyway, somewhere I picked up the idea that my senior sex drive would be strong because I love and am attracted to my husband. And that's me. And he's a man. Need I say more?
Well, it just ain't happening that way. When we were first together I think we stretched the "all you think about is sex" part of our relationship to about 5 years whereas the old adage is "put a bean in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of marriage and then it'll take the rest of your life after that to empty it if you take one bean out for each time you have sex". (I just noticed how exactly opposite these two tall tales are.)
The way it is happening is, over the past 2 or 3 years, we don't have a lot of sex. First it was upsetting to talk about with a bit of blame, guilt and responsibility floating around for each of us but, as is our way, we don't let things like that stay problematic. We keep dealing with them until we're satisfied that we are on the same page about it. We are on the same page about it. We are both in consternation and desire to have it be different.
So yesterday we were having a conversation about it - a thing we do often on the weekend - and I think I realized something about it. I need you to imagine a line drawing here. Imagine a line across the lower part of the page and imagine that that is the level at which I lived. It basically represents at what level of happiness and fulfillment I lived in my life - particularly the intimate relationship part. Now along comes the Martian and that level sharply rises. Now one could think that the level of not too much sex represents the level at which I live but that isn't true. If you've read this blog or know me, you know I live at a very high level of fulfillment and happiness. So I'm thinking that that big jump that I made when the Martian came into my life which was out-pictured by the intensity of my sexual experience is now the level at which I live.
So maybe I'd have to have another gigantic spike in energy to give to sex but our lives are so full of other things and our love isn't new. It's deep but we are used to it.
I think at the point we currently are, people who don't have really fulfilling relationships or lives, probably put all their energy somewhere else. Often with another person. Neither of us is about to do that.
So we'll keep talking and having sex when we do in the loving way that we do.
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To me this is a long and kind of confusing post. I am not sure what the bottom line is here. It seems like this is describing sex from the (what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now) perspective.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a teenager I heard an older person (I think it was a preacher) in his sermon using the metaphor of a garden and in the beginning of a relationship, sex is the first flower that blooms in the garden and so you are aware of it a lot and you pay a lot of attention to it and make it very important. After so many years there are other flowers in the garden like children, family and so on so that the sex flower is still there but because it is not the only one, it does not get the same attention.
It's a nice metaphor but I don't buy it, I want it all. I mean I want all the other flowers in the garden and I want the sex flower as well and I want it to always be important and worthy of attention. I am not 100% sure of how to do that but I am willing to keep trying and changing things and, in fact, what is life about anyway?
I guess to sum it up, we will have sex as often as we can and know that maybe now it's a little less goal-oriented except that we know it leads to deeper and deeper intimacy and more and more willingness to speak about things that might have been uncomfortable in the past.
I love that you are so honest! I've been with my (younger) man for 10 years, but we don't live together, and we are as "active" as ever... Maybe that's the secret - live apart and only meet up when you really want to, ha ha!
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those senior sex advocates -- I wrote a book about it and am interviewed by the media frequently. I talk about quality -- not quantity -- of sexual interaction. That's what leaves us smiling and satisfied.
ReplyDeleteAs we get older, we don't have the same biological imperative to have sex as much as possible, and it takes us longer to become aroused and satisfied. So we start valuing the quality (both physical and emotional) of sex without competing with young folks about frequency.
We go for long, slow, intimate sex play -- maybe most of the afternoon! -- with lots of cuddling and laughing after we're both satisfied.
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty