The Biggest Reason Relationships Fail

I didn’t speak up but I was totally aware how I felt about him but right along with knowing that, were the many fears about how I look to the world with the star one being “nobody will want me”.

What I mean by “not telling the truth” is not telling the truth about my emotions and how I was feeling about him and in the relationship. Sometimes I’m just in denial about something but this I knew absolutely. If I was in denial about anything, it was that I was an attractive and acceptable woman.

There is the “sports, news and weather” kind of communication about jobs, kids, friends, family, colds, the news, etc. That is not what we are talking about here. What we are talking about here is the communication that happens between people in a relationship that starts out as “being in love” and can deteriorate into wanting to end the relationship or living in what feels like an armed camp or a monastery with no communication."

So the question might be, “If I’m feeling angry, should I just express it?” The answer is “yes” and “no”. If you just express it, it will only be part of what is true and will cause an argument or a shutdown in communication. If you don’t express it, you might end up with years of unexpressed emotion piling up and creating separation. The tool I will teach you will help you in both ways - to fully communicate and also prevent lack of connection.

I was taught, while on my journey of learning, how to have a relationship, to “tell the truth quickly”. I took that on as a if I were enrolled in a lifesaving course of study - which it has proven to be.

Anger covers over love with lots of different feelings in between. Anger is sort of the first emotion so that even if I feel afraid or sad in a situation, it is really because I am angry.

Did you ever watch a baby get angry over not getting what they want? As soon as they get it, they are all smiles again. They do it quickly and easily. We, however, have been socialized away from that. If I am 5 and want the red dress and get angry because I don’t get it, most parents and teachers tell us that “it isn’t nice” or “don’t do that” or “it is not ok to get angry at adults” or ...whatever you were told. And so being the smart little beings that we are and wanting to please our adults, we begin the comply and create habits of a lifetime.

This is the biggest reason why relationships fail.

YOU University Coaching/Life Coach Training and Life Coaching 

Marriage and Money Communication

I haven't written anything about marriage and money so far but I think it's a good topic since I believe most marriages have big issues around money.

Like other areas of our lives, we each have our stuff (definition: Ego + Unheard, Unprocessed Emotions + Unmet Needs). I come from a family where there was a lot of fear and denial around money. My mother was very afraid of not having enough. I believe my father was also afraid but he covered it with many layers of denial. So I come by my stuff quite honestly from the environment I unconsciously absorbed for the first 22 years of my life. I've certainly experienced fear around not having enough and in some ways covered that over with denial – a fine combination of both my mother's and father's emotional imprints.

The Martian has his own but I'll let him comment on that. Anyway, since we both believe we attract into our lives at the level of vibration our emotional selves are at (Law of Attraction), we've done just that. We've always had enough even when we lost it all in 2001 at which time we both experienced intense fear for months. I'm guessing that to some extent our financial situation right now is reflective of all those months of fear.

I'm not aware of much, if any fear, about not enough these days but I only know the full truth about it by looking at the results in my life.

So back to money in our relationship. It's never been an issue. Because of our high level of honesty and communication, money issues fall under the topic "Everything We Talk About" and we know where the other is. Also, because we have a real partnership attitude, it's never mattered whether I was earning more or he was earning more. When I was earning more doing work I hated, I was very honest about my resentful feelings that he could not do this kind of work and got through them to the benefit of enhanced closeness and communication.

I guess money issues are only a separate issue if you don't keep them open and honest and communicate whatever is going on with you about them with your partner.

YOU University Coaching/Life Coach Training and Life Coaching

How Can You Develop Your Emotional Intelligence?

by Gina Bendel, YOU University Life Coach

Emotional Intelligence is defined as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions; to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions”.  ~ Defined by John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey, two leading researchers on the topic

Wikipedia defines Emotional Intelligence as a self-perceived ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

Developing your Emotional Intelligence (EI) will help you to navigate in your day to day interactions with the people that surround you.  To perceive EI as an inner ‘knowing’ or ‘guide’ will help you to make decisions which will honor who you are – your authentic self.

There are a myriad of ways in which you can develop your Emotional Intelligence and really begin to honor your own feelings and emotions so that your decisions reflect and create true satisfaction in your life.

• Actively seek resources on dealing with emotion.  There are many books available both online and in your local book stores or library.


• Focus on materials which help you to understand and deal with personal feelings you may be experiencing for yourself.  Some of these may be grief, anger, shame, depression, anxiety, fear, or love, happiness, and joy.


• Make it a point to learn more about issues that someone you love may be experiencing.  The idea here is to seek to understand emotions which may seem unfamiliar to you.   This is how emotional intelligence grows.


• Focus on how your own emotions influence your thoughts and actions.   Choosing to have a heightened awareness of your emotions is one key to understanding yourself and your needs.  Many people are disconnected from their own emotions.  This is especially true with strong emotion such as anger and sadness, but no amount of denial or numbing of feelings will eliminate them.  It’s important to have emotional awareness to fully understand our own needs as well as to communicate these effectively to other people.
  
  
  
  • Exercise to try:  Making it a point to focus on your feelings, begin a journal of your thoughts as they come to you, paying special attention to how you are feeling and whether the way you feel is affecting your day-to-day thoughts and actions.
  
  
  • Focus on what your body is saying to you.  Develop the ability to read how your emotion is communicating to you through your body.
    
    
    
    • Reduce stress through your senses.  Using your senses – sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, discover the things that are most soothing to you and consciously use them to reduce stress quickly.
    
    
    • Notice how your body feels when you think of a strong emotion.  Make it a point to pay attention to what your body is sharing.  For example, when you think of something that makes you angry, do you experience pain or discomfort in your body?  Starting from your feet and moving up your body – focus on how each part feels when you think of this particular emotion.

Working on your emotional intelligence helps you to stay focused in the present and recognize opportunities for resolving feelings about conflict.  It allows you to more easily pick your battles and to end conflict more readily.  You are more aware, more empathetic, more compassionate and can communicate more easily.  This is a sure way to begin to honor your real, authentic self!