Expectations of Building Healthy Relationships
I have a friend for many years. When I first, formally started my coaching practice, she was one of my first clients. I wasn’t able yet to observe myself in the coaching process enough to be able to see if the calls were building healthy relationships between my client and myself. 
A couple of weeks ago she called and said I need your help. She said, "I’m overwhelmed and confused about creating my business so I either watch TV or eat to avoid the whole thing." I agreed immediately but we didn’t really lay out what she expected from me and from the coaching itself. One of the best tactics in building healthy relationships is to outline expectations upfront. The lack of having done that immediately showed up as a problem. She missed an appointment, then had a gas company guy come at the time of the next appt. and was heavy into negativity when we finally spoke on the delayed appointment.
I don’t perceive my job as talking a client out of their negativity. I perceive my job as working with it to change it. Subtle difference but a big difference in results for the client – and results for me. Which leads me to what I experienced that day.
When I hung up from our call I was tired and drained. I thought it was because I didn’t have enough sleep. But several hours later I had my next client appt. and although later in the day, I felt exhilarated and stoked which is how I most often feel after coaching – which I’ve used as an indicator that coaching is a gift of mine. Also, I remember learning from John Gray about a zillion years ago that if a relationship is giving you energy, it’s a good relationship and if it’s taking away energy, there are problems. He was referring to intimate relationships but what’s more intimate than a relationship between a coach and a client?
So back to my question: to coach a friend or not to coach a friend? I still don’t know if it’ll work in this case but I have begun to remedy the situation by requesting my friend to please write down her expectations of me and of our coaching. We will speak about it next week and we’ll see where we end up.
A couple of weeks ago she called and said I need your help. She said, "I’m overwhelmed and confused about creating my business so I either watch TV or eat to avoid the whole thing." I agreed immediately but we didn’t really lay out what she expected from me and from the coaching itself. One of the best tactics in building healthy relationships is to outline expectations upfront. The lack of having done that immediately showed up as a problem. She missed an appointment, then had a gas company guy come at the time of the next appt. and was heavy into negativity when we finally spoke on the delayed appointment.I don’t perceive my job as talking a client out of their negativity. I perceive my job as working with it to change it. Subtle difference but a big difference in results for the client – and results for me. Which leads me to what I experienced that day.
When I hung up from our call I was tired and drained. I thought it was because I didn’t have enough sleep. But several hours later I had my next client appt. and although later in the day, I felt exhilarated and stoked which is how I most often feel after coaching – which I’ve used as an indicator that coaching is a gift of mine. Also, I remember learning from John Gray about a zillion years ago that if a relationship is giving you energy, it’s a good relationship and if it’s taking away energy, there are problems. He was referring to intimate relationships but what’s more intimate than a relationship between a coach and a client?
So back to my question: to coach a friend or not to coach a friend? I still don’t know if it’ll work in this case but I have begun to remedy the situation by requesting my friend to please write down her expectations of me and of our coaching. We will speak about it next week and we’ll see where we end up.
Lesson learned: When building healthy relationships you must request and layout expectations and boundaries.
YOU University Coaching/Life Coach Training and Life Coaching
A boundary that I focus on is - as a friend or relative, I have a personal stake in the choices/decisions that person makes, and I also have personal feelings about their choices that influence my own life. With someone I'm coaching, I shouldn't have a personal stake in what they do or don't do - I can be more objective, and so can the client. Great discussion, thanks! Kelly DuMar, M.Ed.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good question. I have a friend that I don't coach in a professional manner. I do know she needs help and guidance but because of her situation I don't' think she's ready for coaching and I also know that it would be draining. So I don't take her on as a client, but I will listen and offer feedback if she wants it.
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