Do you ever find yourself going along thinking you know something or that you've resolved something, letting go and all of a sudden there's more to learn or you discover you just resolved it a bit more?
Sometimes I think an issue is resolved and then I discover there’s even more to be uncovered and resolved.
My ex-husband was in my life. We shared four children and five grandchildren. We lived a few miles apart. It's taken a lot of work on my part to be in a state of forgiveness. A lot of letting go. We had a very difficult marriage. We were too young and too unsuited to each other to have anything but a contentious relationship for a good deal of the four years we dated and the 15 years we were married.
I had been going along thinking I had forgiven him for the hurt I felt but wouldn't you know it, I learned just how much internal protection I was holding onto when it came to him. And I am sure he could feel that. I wasn't letting go. I kept seeing him as ‘weird’ until it I clearly saw, “Your four kids are half his? Are they weird? Are they part you and part him which makes them somehow defective.” Of course not! So another letting go.
Maybe some people who grow up being abused never learn how to fully relax and fully trust others. Or maybe it happens in degrees over the years. I'm not sure but what I'm sure of is that I sat next to my ex at a holiday performance at our grandson's school the Friday after realizing this and I felt completely open to him for the first time – probably since we met in 1961! And then again in those couple of weeks, another unfolding and another awareness and another letting go. We had the best conversation about a difficult family issue. It was the best conversation we’ve had in 50 years!
Life is a wonderful teacher and I felt lighter and better about myself with this burden dropped - or maybe they'll be more to drop someday in the future.
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I too appreciate you both sharing this information with all of us. I have a similar situation with my second ex-husband, who I have two children with (adult children now). OUr marriage was very tormentous and it harmed all of us, including our children. I too would like to heal someday our relationship. At this time, we never see each other and when we have, we are not in good terms.
ReplyDeleteThis blog entry by Maia is about her 1st husband and forgiveness. The thing is that today we are all friends and do family events together and so the past is mostly healed. That is Maia's story.
ReplyDeleteBut this is my story:
My 2nd wife and I are good friends but my 1st wife (the mother of my children) and I communicate almost never.
I am not sure how I feel or what to do about that. It has been such a long time that we don't really know each other anymore so maybe letting the past just continues to fade away is an OK thing to do.
On the other hand...
So, in this respect, Maia is a better, more accomplished ex-partner than I am because her children experience their parents getting along even if they are no longer married to each other.
Maybe I can do something about healing with my 1st ex-wife thing but not now.
I really appreciate this post and comment.
ReplyDeleteIn life we need to learn how to forgive and let go. Its easier to said than done but that's life. We have to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI can see how this can apply even if the other person does not want to forgive or let go. I can still forgive and move on. Thank you.
ReplyDelete