Happy Marriages Have Issues, too
I really love my husband. I respect him. I am proud of him. I am proud to be in a relationship with him. So where does the evil little bitch that I can be come from? Is it from my past? Is it hormones? Is it morning blues? YUK!!!!
Here's what happened this morning. I got up earlier than usual which for some reason brought me to my computer. That's always a mistake first thing in the morning. I get pulled into work so now on top of the usual duties I've assigned myself in the morning - putting dishes away, making the Martian's lunch, making his breakfast. By going to my computer, I now subconsciously have taken on my career duties as well.
So the Martian, who had gotten up before me and was relaxing with a cup of tea on the couch started sharing stuff from work with me. He teaches high school science and physics. He asked me a couple of times if I was listening and I said "yes" although truthfully his talking and relaxing was beginning to annoy me because I was working, stressed, blah, blah, blah - you got it -
Now why would I think that working at 4:30 in the morning is more important than connecting with my husband and hearing a beautiful story about one of his students. It was so moving to him, he was choked up with feeling and I was WORKING!
Oy! Well, fortunately I saw my stuff quickly, apologized and - HOPEFULLY - learned something.
I promise to respect my husband. I promise to respect and appreciate my husband. And I love myself with my pimples, foibles and wrinkles anyway.
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One of the things that I have learned (ok, am still learning) is that I (you) really have to be careful when trying to communicate with an intimate partner.
ReplyDeleteBefore you think that I am just talking here about communicating feelings, I am not. I am talking about communicating almost anything.
I cant' figure it out and maybe I never will, but Maia and I misread, misunderstand each other a lot.
Now that's OK, by the way, because it gives us ample opportunity to discuss the misunderstandings and by doing so, we almost always become closer because intimacy takes many forms.
Martians might be thinking here that it's ok to miscommunicate on purpose because of the result, but be aware that you may be volunteering for a round of "bit-chi-ness" that you started and you are required by Martian code to just listen to your partner, understand her and do not (under any circumstances) become emotional yourself. Save your emotions for another time and place.
Guys, thanks for sharing your situations with me, us, here in the site. You are great teachers and exude warmth and humanness by just doing this.
ReplyDeleteI am starting to pray to God for my life partner to appear in my life, and your sharing these important aspects of relationships nourishes me and are lessons I will keep in my heart.
God bless.
(I wrote this next section before re-reading Martian's post - now I see the subtle difference in that he was referring only to an artificial miscommunication situation. But I think my words are useful, anyway.)
ReplyDeleteI am confused by Martian's advice not to become emotional when hearing their partner's emotions. What if you do? Can everyone just choose when to be emotional? Perhaps Martians are better at that than Venutians, but I wonder if you allowed yourself to be emotional whether it might add to your ability to be empathetic to the talker. When my boyfriend offers an ear, it can be tremendously helpful. But if what I say affects him emotionally (because its a shared issue or just one he can relate to) and he cries, or communicates happiness or annoyance or anger, that simply creates a more dynamic exchange.