Compatibility or Commitment?
Thinking back to the beginnings of our relationship, we had some similar interests – spirituality, personal growth. And there were certainly things that the Martian was and is interested in that I'm not, for example, fixing and learning about cars, skiing, physics (which I blush to say I got a D in in high school) and airplanes to name a few. Here's what's happened with me on those subjects:
• I now share his interest in cars - green cars.
• I've never become an athlete but I am using WII FIT regularly and enjoying it.
• I've found an interest in quantum physics because it veers right into spirituality so that has become a shared interest.
• Haven't developed an interest in airplanes except for how they may impact my travel.
But do interests really create compatibility? To some extent I suppose they do but what seems much more important to me is shared values. We both value honesty, strong family relationships, forgiveness, change, commitment, meaning, accountability, responsibility, creativity, fun, laughter, freedom, gratitude, generosity, generosity of spirit, integrity, peace, abundance, prosperity, personal growth. With all that in common, how could we go wrong?
Relationship advice: If you are new in a relationship, begin to have conversations about your values and see what comes of it.
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I will bet that there are people out there who are perfectly happy in a long term intimate relationship where they do not share any of the same interests. This is not a one size fits all solution. Having the same interests is just one more piece of the relationship mosaic and there are those who do quite well thank you, without that piece. It's not necessary.
ReplyDeleteI am kind of blowing smoke here because I don't personally know any couples like that but they must exist, mustn't they?
I mean it seems so obvious that if your are going to enjoy being with someone for a long time it would help if you liked them as well as loved them which to me means liking some of the things that they like. Otherwise you could never go to movies together.
Having an intimate partner with all of the same interests doesn't work so well either.
It's an individual thing, you figure it out but maybe test it before you commit.
Great post. Yes, we have learned that sharing common values is more important in the long run than sharing common interests. People grow, develop, and change and their interests may change along the way. However, people's values are constant; this is the advice that we should be recommending to folks wanting to be in a long-term relationship--to look for their common values. It'll produce a stronger relationship in the long run. My husband and I don't naturally share a lot of common interests, but we focus on the ones we do when together and pursue our individual interests when on our own. It works.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 34 years is as opposite from me as one can get! He loves fishing and hunting; I love shopping and art galleries. He likes spicy, hot food and beer; I like gourmet food and French wine. He loves the water; I love the heights. You get it. But we have the same values, pretty much as described above, and the same economic backgrounds. We trust each other; so, we can take vacations apart and enjoy our interests, then return to the one we love. I get to go to France! He gets to go fishing in Alaska! Together we go to tropical places :) Yes, we are real.
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