Why I Won't Call an Old Friend One More Time

Drinking From An Empty Well

Dedicated to All Mothers Who Have Trouble Letting Go

I hate to let people go from my life - particularly ones who are fun, smart, emotionally connected and with whom the love flows back and forth. But sometimes people want to leave and I have to let them go.

Oh, I'll keep figuratively knocking on their door for awhile with email and phone messages but when I get no response over and over, what else can I do? I'll try to take it personally for a little while also. My mind will keep going 'round and 'round with "what did I do" or "what is about me they don't like".

But I recognize those old self-defeating tapes - the ones I used in the past to keep myself from having a fulfilling life. They aren't real. I know I didn't do anything to them and I am fine just the way I am.

They have their reasons for leaving. Maybe their life has become so busy that my importance in their scheme of things has  changed. Or maybe something is happening in their lives they think I'll disapprove of (people often make me and my husband into "parents"). Or maybe they are overwhelmed with some big, hard thing and can't manage to reach out. Or... Or... whatever!

I love them. I still miss them occasionally but my life has moved on too. And I meet the most amazing fabulous people almost every day of my life.

My trick for relieving myself of pain as soon as I can is to look for what's good about what's happening or how I can grow from it. How I can grow from letting people go is I can continue to feel a flow inside instead of tight spots that could blossom into physical pain or illness. If I continue to learn about letting go, I allow many new experiences into my life. Are you holding onto anyone or anything that wants to leave?

Client Runs Away from Himself (and the Coach Who Ran with Him) - SelfGrowth and Personal Goal Setting

I have a client who’s been coaching with me on and off for 6 years. Let’s call him, Eddie. He has major problems with money and self growth. When we started out I agreed to take him as a barter client who would provide marketing advise for my business. As the title implies, there are two parts to this little story - mine and his. I’ll start with me.

How I Ran Away

Back then, I was still running from a certain kind of communication because I tended to take too much responsibility for everyone - family members, clients, friends. I’ve since mended my ways and have taught myself to become aware when I’m doing that-thing-that-I-do. As a result both my boundaries and communication are much clearer.

How that scenario looked was - when I realized that Eddie’s marketing experience really couldn’t help my kind of business, I didn’t know how to say that to him so I said - nothing - and continued coaching him for nothing . We had some feeble conversations about the money but it never got cleared up. And I like the guy so much and he was making progress…. And I was doing my responsible-for-others thing .

We probably had that quasi-barter arrangement for a couple of years and then he stopped coaching. Sometime between his coaching ending and the current round of coaching, he surprised me and sent me a nice check to pay for some of the coaching we had done. It was a lovely surprise and a testimony to his good character. (I also took it as a sign from the Universe that I had made progress also.)

How He Ran Away

Eddie contacted me 10 months ago and said he wanted to do coaching again, wanted to have me make him accountable more strongly than before and sent me 6 post-dated checks so he wouldn’t weasel out of the deal.

He’s made great self growth progress with personal goal setting: buying and using Quicken, setting up a budget, beginning to see the need to forgive his father and ex-wife, sticking to his work commitments, etc. (I’ve been a little looser with him than other clients - allowing him lots of extra short calls. Maybe this is still me being overly-responsible?)

Anyway, two days ago I got an email from him telling me because his money problems are rearing their ugly head, he wanted to stop coaching. I understand him cutting back on his expenses - something we talked about often - although he does say his positive progress has been a result of our coaching so maybe this isn’t too wise but IN AN EMAIL! How chicken we all can be about disappointing others and what a mirror for my own chicken ways of dealing with difficult communication.

I invited him (via email) to talk about this over the phone but so far no Eddie. He reminded me (via email) that he’s not good at such things. I know, Eddie, that’s one of the things we’ve been working on - clearer, stronger, more powerful communication.

Years ago I would have taken this very personally. I don’t anymore. It happens this way sometimes and I hope Eddie finds what he needs to move him to the next level in his life. And I hope I remember Eddie when I am tempted to - dare I say it? - enable someone else.

Round 3 - a P.S.

Since I wrote this, I've had a quick third round with Eddie. Money issues. Job issues. The same old Eddie thing. After our first session this time around I thought to ask him if he believed what I told him (about his self growth issues being ties to not having forgiven his father for controlling him with money). He stopped a moment and said, "I take it with a grain of salt." Me aghast! "Why?" Eddie, "You're a friend and so I don't totally believe you." Go figure that one out. Anyway I fired him, lovingly, on the spot.

Life Coach - Again: More Will They Call?

So You Want to Be a Life Coach

I’m so glad I have a male in my life to remind me of the male way of doing things - or at least another way of doing things. About a week ago I had an email interaction with a man who said quite clearly that he wanted to hire me to be his coach. A couple of fruitful emails went back and forth over the day. And then nothing. I’m better about accepting the situation but because his comments were so clearly wanting me as his life coach, I didn’t know what to do. What if he didn’t read his email? What if something was wrong in his family?

Fortunately before I formulated a full thought about taking a further action like calling him (we’ve never spoken on the phone - only in person once and email) I asked my husband what to do. He said, “He knows you’re there.”

“Well, Maia, of course he does”, I told myself. And it felt so relieving to leave it alone. And the next day I heard from him and he wrote he had to think about it all.

I know not all women act intuitively and quickly but I tend to. Nice to be reminded everyone isn’t like me.

How Much Agenda Should Life Coaches Have Anyway? NO AGNDA

Just before I went to sleep the other night, I realized I wanted to write about a life coach’s agenda so I wrote a note on the pad I keep by my bed. Then yesterday as I was running around town doing errands, a car pulled in front of me and it’s license plate was: NO AGNDA. Too synchronistic to ignore.

When I went to coaches’ training, I was told that an excellent life coach would have no agenda. That is probably true in a perfect world. It is also true that human beings are almost not capable of having no agenda while loving. That means we have no expectations of our clients. And that isn’t true.

We expect them to:

• call in on time


• pay us in a timely manner


• bring their issues and accomplishments to the call


• have a quiet space in which to have our meeting


• have done their assignments or bring up what stopped them


• share their failures


• share their successes

So, of course, we have agendas for our clients. But maybe they were only talking about personal agendas like “I think you should be a motivational coach” or a “leader of industry” or a “better employee” or …or...
Should is the scary word here. It is not our job as coaches to should anyone into anything. Everyone has had enough of that in their lives from parents,  teachers ,  religious  leaders and well-meaning others.

So NOAGNDA is an ideal to be striven for. It requires the  motivational coach to be more and more aware of their own process and the words and feelings behind the words as they speak to their client.  It  also  takes  careful  listening  to the client. I often hear myself saying things like, “I’m not necessarily right”; “you know if this is true better than I can”; "only you live inside you” and things like that to ensure that the power remains where I always say it is, in the coaching relationship we have. And ultimately,  the  power lies  in  the client  and  their want  for change.

If the Law of Attraction Works, What Does Terrorist Fear Create?

What Are You Attracting?

The Law of Attraction is active in everyone's life whether you're aware of it or not. The Law of Attraction states that you attract what you think, what you feel and what you are. It's simple yet thought provoking.

If you have had a lot of negative stuff happen in your life, it could be the result of negative thoughts and feelings - conscious or unconscious. However, if you have had a lot of positive things happen in your, it's probably because you have had a positive mind set and have done things that have attracted positive results.

Fear is a negative mindset and creates a negative vibration. If many people are afraid of terrorists, which is a normal reaction, then what will happen? Will we create more of what we don't want? If many people are afraid of not having money, what will we all create?

That's why I don't watch the news. The media has advertisers. Those advertising companies want to sell their products. They sell their products by bombarding you with advertising. One of the ways they get you to keep looking at their ads is to use your human addiction to certain feelings.

It has been proven that we are addicted to fear so if they keep showing you killings, rapes, terrorists, failing money markets, your unconscious addiction to the feelings that those shows generate, keeps bringing you back to the news. It's not news you are seeing. It's the fruits of the general fear watching those things engenders.

There are presently very widespread experiments going on investigating just how this all works. Look at http://www.theintentionexperiment.com/.

---

Not sure what Life Coaching is?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13y2P1huQsg&feature=youtube_gdata

You want to be a life coach but you aren't exactly sure what it is.

This was written a short time after 9/11...

My Neighbor Lives 10,000 Miles away

Global Consciousness & Community

On September 11, 2001 the world changed. Now we truly know that those that live 10,000 miles away are our neighbors.  Everyone on this planet feels the effects of  what a few fanatics did to the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. The effects will continue to be felt for the rest of our lives. Many things have changed and are changing as this is being written. No one is smart enough or enough of a prophet to be able to predict what all the results will be. Some things, however, are powerfully clear. What we say and do and think effects everyone else. If I decide not to fly because I am scared, I send a message to those that know me that they should be scared. When they mention the incident to others in their lives, they too are effected. People may lose their jobs because of my choices. This, in turn, effects our economy. Our economy effects the world economy. At no time in history is it more clear that we are a world community – whether everyone likes it or not.

The 20th century paradigm was, “I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.” Rugged individualism was highly valued. Even though the women’s movement occurred in groups, the desired outcome was more individual power for women. Not a bad thing in itself but individual none the less. The 21st century paradigm is about community, cooperation and co-activity. Co-activity is defined as “active collaboration1” and “an alliance between two equals.” The term is used to refer to the relationship between coach and client but readily applies to a wider world view. It is a concept and a term that is useful to describe the  model and culture for the 21st century.

Emergencies and situations that require special help and support frequently make us realize how important our communities are to us. We may move to a new place and have no family or friends. We may come to a new passage in our lives – marriage, divorce, grown children. Intentional communities are those created wherever we are on our journey through life.

Building and broadening your intentional communities will nurture your life. Then when life happens, the community is in place. Part of being a successful person is the awareness that we aren’t alone and that everything we do impacts each other politically and environmentally.

• Reach out to longtime friends for connection. Make new ones. Bridge the gaps that exist between people and nations so that hatred and lack of understanding can disappear.

• Use professional associations and connections as a launch pad for personal connections. There is bound  to be at least one person there grappling with similar issues – even if you both want to figure out how to leave the profession.

• Get a coach – now. Coaches offer continuity and perspectives on your growth.  If money is an issue—once or twice a month is better than not at all. If your coach hasn’t earned her value for you within a six months period,  get another.

Old Energy Thinking: You have to do it alone. It builds character.
New Energy: Everything I do, even if I do it alone, effects everyone.