Maybe he really is from another planet

Men Are from Mars.....

I know my husband since Oct. of 1982. I've been in an intimate relationship with him for 29 years and married to him for 27 and sometimes I haven't the foggiest idea who he is. He's like a beautiful being from another planet that has come into my life to give me more than I could ever have imagined. He loves me amazingly. He believes in me and my abilities - often some steps ahead of how much I can believe in myself. He is so known to me and yet - sometimes I'm almost breathless with the knowledge that how this happened - how we finally found each other is like some kind of play Directed by Someone beyond thought.

Now how does that sound coming from am a total proponent in the belief that we create our own lives? But I can't quite wrap myself around having created so amazingly while being unaware that I was doing it. How did it happen? Am I really this powerful? Is he?Does anyone else feel this way? Do I feel this way because the contrast with my former life and relationship is so great?

Signs of a Bad Relationship

You’re searching all over the internet to find out signs of a bad relationship. So that means you have the question and somewhere inside you the knowledge that your relationship sucks. Otherwise, why would you be searching. I mean we all know what a bad relationship can look like:

• You don’t agree on much.
• You each blame each other for lots of things
• You argue or you shut down. And he does the same.
• Your eye is wandering to other relationships and you are seeing theirs as way better – or at least it looks better than yours.
• You feel pretty badly about yourself.
• You’ve started to believe that NO relationship works.
• You feel abused.
• You are abused.
• You feel sad, angry - just plain unhappy.
• You want to leave.
• You’re afraid to leave.
• You think maybe you haven’t tried hard enough.
• You think maybe you’re totally codependent and can’t live on your own.
• You don’t really trust your partner anymore.
• You don’t really trust yourself anymore.
• Your friends say you should leave.
• You friends say you should stay.

These and many others are signs of a bad relationship. When a relationship is good, you feel happy, fulfilled, excited, absorbed, loved, connected. You are happy to see each other. You can’t wait. You think mostly loving and good thoughts about your partner. You feel good about yourself.

It’s not signs of a bad relationship you need to know about. It’s:

• “How can I notice the signs more quickly?”
• “How can I feel good enough about myself to brave leaving if necessary?”
• “How can I feel good enough about myself to open my mouth and say what isn’t working for me?”
• “How can I say what I feel and not get into an argument about it?”
• “How can I be heard?”
• “How can I be brave enough to know I can make it on my own, if necessary?”
• “How can I accept the inevitabilities of life without a not-working relationship as a crutch?

I can answer these questions for you by telling you some things.

• Everyone on the planet has a past.
• Everyone on the planet has parents.
• No parents, no people are perfect.
• And in our imperfection, we affect each other.

Most of us growing up somehow lost touch with the idea that we are OK, that we are deserving of happiness.  I personally believe that we come to planet earth expressly for that purpose – to learn how to love ourselves so that the inner promptings we all have – the actual biological chemistry that humans have that allow/make us feel our feelings is a kind of internal guidance system. That’s why you are reading this article. That’s why you searched on the internet for “signs of a bad relationship”. You feel lousy and you are not happy.

That’s because bad relationships feel bad. So the answer to how you can notice the signs early, have enough self-esteem to say how you feel and have a good strong bottom line of expected behavior is to heal your emotional past so that it is no longer in charge of your choice of partners and learn how to appropriately communicate with your partner – current or future – in a way that allows you to feel heard and feel good and grows the relationship rather then tearing it down.

I learned how to do just that. It took work but, boy, have the rewards been fabulous. After two failed marriages, I have been very happily remarried for 27 years – my third marriage. We communicate. It’s not always easy but no feelings are under our rug waiting to explode. Our past is largely where it should be – in the past – not in charge of our lives and our relationship. I wish “10 Tricks to a Happy Relationship” worked but I’ve never found it to be true for anybody.

Now that you're done, I have one thing left I'd like you to do.

I'd love to hear your thoughts so comment below and (uh oh this is 2) please follow this blog over there on the right. I'd love to get to know you.

What are the short term and long term effects of child abuse and whatcan the concerned do about it?

In answer to the question, “What are the short term and long term effects of child abuse and what can the concerned do about it?” I have very much to say.

Let me tell you a short story of a little girl growing up being emotionally abused  by her mother and sexually abused by her father. When she was 4 lots of things changed. Her father returned from 3 years in the Army. He left when she was 9 months old and returned when she was turning 4. He returned with a big stuffed panda and stuffed French poodle for her. Then he began to be inappropriate with her little self. And finally around the very same time, her mother started screaming at her and calling her names and scaring the wits out of her on a frequent unpredictable basis.

How do I know about this little girl? I know because she was me. The short term effects included  becoming very docile and losing touch with my creative side. I did pretty well in school because I didn’t have my mother there and she didn’t really care if I did well or not but I began to lose my creativity in writing and art.

I also became very unsure of myself in social situations. I was afraid of a lot of physical activities. I married someone who I didn’t even like because I was afraid no one would want me; my self esteem was in the basement. I developed an eating disorder. I had jobs way below my apparent capacity. Eventually I created major disease because the biochemical environment from my freaky emotions caused major distress in my body. Bottom line, my early abuse has led to lifelong issues.

I was a child in a time when people didn’t tell and certainly didn’t tell on each other. I often wondered if anyone knew what was going on only to recently reconnect with a childhood friend who told me “her parents were worried about me”. I thank them for caring but no one did anything about it.

Today there are agencies that can be contacted – even contacted anonymously so that there is more protection for kids. If you suspect or know that abuse is happening to any children you know, be brave for them because they cannot be and report it. Happily, you will have been wrong and everything is ok for them. But if there truly is something very wrong, there is a good chance the kids will get help.

If you are wondering what to do about any abuse you received as a child or even as an adult, I strongly recommend you get help from a therapist, support group or life coach knowledgeable in those areas. You can improve your life dramatically with the right help. And you are worth it!

Read these stories.

Now that you're done, I have one thing left I'd like you to do.

I'd love to hear your thoughts so comment below and (uh oh this is 2) please follow this blog over there on the right. I'd love to get to know you.

How Can You Develop Your Emotional Intelligence?

by Gina Bendel, YOU University Life Coach

Emotional Intelligence is defined as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions; to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions”.  ~ Defined by John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey, two leading researchers on the topic

Wikipedia defines Emotional Intelligence as a self-perceived ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

Developing your Emotional Intelligence (EI) will help you to navigate in your day to day interactions with the people that surround you.  To perceive EI as an inner ‘knowing’ or ‘guide’ will help you to make decisions which will honor who you are – your authentic self.

There are a myriad of ways in which you can develop your Emotional Intelligence and really begin to honor your own feelings and emotions so that your decisions reflect and create true satisfaction in your life.

• Actively seek resources on dealing with emotion.  There are many books available both online and in your local book stores or library.


• Focus on materials which help you to understand and deal with personal feelings you may be experiencing for yourself.  Some of these may be grief, anger, shame, depression, anxiety, fear, or love, happiness, and joy.


• Make it a point to learn more about issues that someone you love may be experiencing.  The idea here is to seek to understand emotions which may seem unfamiliar to you.   This is how emotional intelligence grows.


• Focus on how your own emotions influence your thoughts and actions.   Choosing to have a heightened awareness of your emotions is one key to understanding yourself and your needs.  Many people are disconnected from their own emotions.  This is especially true with strong emotion such as anger and sadness, but no amount of denial or numbing of feelings will eliminate them.  It’s important to have emotional awareness to fully understand our own needs as well as to communicate these effectively to other people.
  
  
  
  • Exercise to try:  Making it a point to focus on your feelings, begin a journal of your thoughts as they come to you, paying special attention to how you are feeling and whether the way you feel is affecting your day-to-day thoughts and actions.
  
  
  • Focus on what your body is saying to you.  Develop the ability to read how your emotion is communicating to you through your body.
    
    
    
    • Reduce stress through your senses.  Using your senses – sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, discover the things that are most soothing to you and consciously use them to reduce stress quickly.
    
    
    • Notice how your body feels when you think of a strong emotion.  Make it a point to pay attention to what your body is sharing.  For example, when you think of something that makes you angry, do you experience pain or discomfort in your body?  Starting from your feet and moving up your body – focus on how each part feels when you think of this particular emotion.

Working on your emotional intelligence helps you to stay focused in the present and recognize opportunities for resolving feelings about conflict.  It allows you to more easily pick your battles and to end conflict more readily.  You are more aware, more empathetic, more compassionate and can communicate more easily.  This is a sure way to begin to honor your real, authentic self!

Financial Abundance - Insight for Living

On this site I talk about blocks to personal/spiritual growth and uncovering them so we are able to have an insight for living. Well, I’ve discovered a big core block for myself. Here’s how the discovery of it went:

In the coaching group I’m leading, at the end of the call when it was her turn to share what she got out of the call, one of the members said that she see’s the little girl in each of us (5 women including me).

Then I said, “You want to know what kind of little girl I was? I loved skirts that twirl. I put on shows in the neighborhood organizing the kids a little younger then I. We made and sold tickets. My mother hung an old bedspread on the clothesline and we put on some kind of show. I don’t remember the show but I do remember that I told fortunes from an upside down fishbowl.

I organized several of these shows  between the ages of 5 and 6. I  stopped when I started school. But no matter what I said, my mother would not let me keep the money. I had to give it to charity.

So now I find a place inside me where I made up that I’m not supposed to make money from what I love to do and what I’m good at. So I’ve been a coach for years. I’ve been on the internet for years. And I’m still working on money as a block!

Well, there it is. Probably my main block to financial abundance.

What will I do now? I guess I’ll do some work around my mother and keep watching for those thoughts. Keep an insight for living. BTW, my mother wasn’t even trying to teach me about charity, she didn't want the neighbors to think we didn’t have enough money  (which we didn’t.)

I am confident that my block to abundance is leaving as I write.

Now that you're done, I have one thing left I'd like you to do.

I'd love to hear your thoughts so comment below and (uh oh this is 2) please follow this blog over there on the right. I'd love to get to know you.

Communicating the Small Stuff

Relationship Communication

Bafflement

OK. I teach and coach about relationships. Everybody knows that communication is one of the pillars of a healthy relationship. In relationship communication I have learned to communicate the big stuff - like: "You are acting like a jerk" or "when you don't talk to me, I feel scared about our relationship and don't know what's going on," etc.

But how do I let you know things like, "You have dandruff "or "you dripped on the bathroom floor or messed up the sheets?" Those things are so personal and seem so hard to communicate and so petty to boot. I just want to let them go. But then I end up resentful. You know, little thing on top of little thing on top of clean up after you and say nothing, on top of little thing and I'm ready to walk right out the door.

I've been in a great relationship for 29 years and I still haven't learned the best way to do it.

Any ideas on relationship communication?

Exercise - Taking Care of My Aging Body

Exercise!

Well, when your reputation is staked on being able to find the good and learning from everything, you can't just start becoming a victim of either your aging body or any beliefs about what aging means. So my adventure here on Planet Earth at age 70 is like this and this is what I'm learning:

An aging body will sure teach you to take care of your body. The results of not doing it can be felt almost immediately. I pretty much got through my life doing a very minimum of exercise still looking OK and being able to move rather automatically.

Can't get away with that any more. It doesn't matter whether I have issues and want to take my time getting over this, it will not cooperate. If I don't exercise frequently - like daily - I feel not great in my body and my balance and strength dwindles perceptibly even though I eat very, very healthy and have done so for years.

OK. I WILL LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO TAKE COMPLETE CARE OF MY BODY. NO EXCUSES!