Breaking free from family expectations is one of the most difficult challenges in my lifetime.

by Savina Cavallo

Family.  The immediate one.  The one I grew up in.  And my children too.

I grew up in a “dysfunctional” family…whatever that means.  You see, I understand that there is no real perfect family.  What are the parameters?  I understand that each of us do the best we can in the role we play in Family and in Life.

That includes my parents.  That includes me.  That includes my adult children today.

I still feel stressed trying to please and play the part I felt I needed to play to survive emotionally in my family when growing up.  I find myself still as an adult playing those same roles with my father, my brother, my oldest daughter.

My father expects total respect just because he’s my father.  In his mind and perception, that’s a given….not necessarily the other way around.  So my feelings and expectations in our relationship are not acknowledged by him.

My brother, who’s 12 years older than me, is the same.  So when he feels upset with me about something, he’ll just call me and snap at me, without any discussion or even giving me an opportunity to clarify….and he does the same with my 28 year old son.  You see, he doesn’t like my son because my son doesn’t take shit from anybody.  He’s not disrespectful…but he expects respect.  My brother doesn’t know how to deal with this.  He sees my son as my father sees me.

My oldest daughter, who’s 33 now, is still living decades in the past and walking around with old resentments and unresolved issues….OF HER FREAKEN OWN!!  But, she tries to dump them on me.  She jumps at any opportunity she has to lash out at me, to make me feel bad and guilty and dirty and all the stuff she has inside.

On the other hand, I’m blessed with my other two adult children, who have done their own inner work, are still growing, have released the past, and we get along just fine.  Thank you God.

Family.  There is no handbook with instructions on how to deal with these emotionally charged relationships.  I’ve tried everything I know up to now:

• let things pass to avoid conflict. Doesn’t work (for me)


• Write a letter to them expressing how I feel.  Doesn’t work


• Talk things over.  Doesn’t work.

Family are very set in their ways.  What do I do?  How do I act?  From all the inner work and healing I’ve done (journaling, YOU University personal development program, studying A Course in Miracles principles, reparenting myself) I now know I have a responsibility to myself to protect my boundaries, or they will be stepped on over and over.  Unfortunately, Family is not accustomed to this new behavior.

It’s hard for me.  It’s confusing.  Is this loving?  Is this the “right “thing to do?  I don’t want to hurt anybody….now, including Me.

Well, I don’t have these answers.  All I know is that I feel it’s time to acknowledge my own place in life and break free from the old, toxic patterns of Family  I carry these patterns within myself also, since I’m a part of Family too.  So I keep aware of my own reactions, learning to choose responses that are healthier and more loving for me.

How Does Divorce Effect Children?

People in their 30’s and 40’s whose parents didn’t divorce are probably amongst the minority in many places. It is a fact of our life – divorce and the kids who go through it along with their parents. Kids have no choice.

Well, my kids went through divorce; my grandson has two homes and 3 parents; many, many people I know have children who have gone through their divorces with them.

OK parents, we all did the best we could. It’s such a hard thing for we parents who love our kids to know right up front that something we are doing is going to effect our kids for the rest of their lives – even if it is the exact right and necessary thing for us. So this paragraph is for parents. Somehow, someway you need to make a personal commitment to yourself and your children that you will work to work out what you need to work out so that you are a healthier and more aware person and learn whatever there is to learn about this experience so that you have a happier life and create a happier one for your children.

That’s what you need to do for you but what you really want to know is “how does divorce effect my kids?”

Here are the things I’ve notice:

• Kids may have divided loyalties. If they detect any judgment on the part of parent A towards parent B, the naturally may want to protect parent B and the consequences of this range from becoming highly manipulative to dishonesty and confusion. I am not a therapist but I am a divorced parent and a long term coach and teacher about emotions and the manifestations of divided loyalties are many and varied and not great.


• Kids may have a lack of confidence because they think it’s their fault somehow. Recently my 12 year old grandson said it felt like it was his fault because his dad and step-mom considered splitting. (Happy to say they are back working on their relationship.)


• They may become fearful about relationships and marriage as adults. Now it really is a good idea to marry when you are old enough to know who you are and know what you want, but I wonder if the apparent prevalence of wariness and commitment phobias come from the dis-ease about relationships ever being able to work out.


• Multiple marriages mean multiple parents who effect your kid. Since we are all effected by our parents or parent substitutes, when two people get married more than once, there is a multiplication of effects on the child.

So does all of this mean that our kids are doomed? I think not. I think that if parents face themselves and each other and continue to work out a relationship of forgiveness and love and mutual love for the children a new and imperfect but lovely extended family can occur. We have it in our family. Around 20 years ago my children’s father and I got to the point where we could begin to be together with the kids. We continued to celebrate holidays, birthdays or whatever as a big – sometimes challenging family. But as my youngest daughter said when I said I was proud about how my four kids got along with each other, “Mother, it’s not that we always get along. It’s that we always forgive each other.” She is the child of divorce. Does she sound permanently ruined? Of course not. Humans have issues. One of your kids issues will be that their parents were divorced. Learn how to do it the very best way you can.