Lauren Cook Interviews Maia Berens for Teen Girls

1. What occurred during your childhood and young adult years and how did this affect your happiness? 

MB: When I was a little girl of 4 some really bad things started happening in my life. My father started to sexually abuse me and my mother started yelling at me a lot and criticizing me a lot. From a happy and pretty carefree little girl, I became afraid most of the time. I wasn’t afraid of my father because he was loving but my mother scared me all the time. I was always afraid of “getting in trouble”. I became a very, very good girl and I needed approval from other adults to make me feel ok. As crazy as it sounds, I was afraid of my mother even as an adult.

As a result of all of this, at age 18 I met the boy who was to become my first husband. He was good looking and smart and so made me look acceptable to the world. Even though after 6 months of dating I could see he was mean and controlling, I hung onto him for dear life. For 19 years and 4 kids to be exact. I did not have enough self esteem to tell him how I felt. I was afraid of losing him.

2. You have been able to overcome so much. How did you find the courage to change your life?

MB: I’m not sure it was courage that made me change my life. What made me change my life was being more afraid of staying with my ex- then of staying. I was afraid all the time with him too – just like with my mother. Finally, I thought I was going to get hurt. It was the very best thing I ever did in my life. I found out that life did not have to be like that and that there were people and places who would love me and teach me how to love myself so that I never accepted abuse again.

3. How important is it to have a mentor in your life?

MB: I think having a mentor is one of the keys to a successful life. We all need support and someone we can trust to tell us the hard truth, to remind us who we are and to be there just to be there.

4. Can you tell us about the three magic secrets that you share with others?

MB: The 3 Magic Secrets are the basis of how I changed my life. The first one, Life Is a School, taught me to stop seeing myself as a victim. If I try to learn from or see what’s good in everything that happens in life, I can improve my life and not get lost in things like anger and fear. It has taught me how to turn lemons into lemonade.

The second Magic Secret is Friend In-Deed. Like I said in the previous answer about mentors, I believe a person who is there for you indeed (“Certainly!” “In-deed!” meaning an action performed consciously  is vital to a successful life. We need support. We need to be heard and we need to learn from those who have come before us.

The third Magic Secret is My Cup Runneth Over. It is the use of gratitude as a tool for inner peace, mental health and to create the life of your dreams. Like attracts like. A grateful person attracts a life for which to be grateful.

5. What can teens do to be happier with their lives?

MB: Well, now I have to sound like a parent but don’t discount what I have to say because of it. Hang out with the winners. Don’t hang out with kids who are self-destructive or negative. Stay away from drugs. In my own extended family there are two people whose brains have been ruined for life because of drugs. They are in their 50’s or 60’s and never really had a real life. It’s not worth it. Try to focus on what’s good about yourself, not what’s wrong with you. Putting yourself down may be a teen habit but it’s not one to make you feel good about your life. And finally, get help if you need it. We all need it sometimes. Everyone. Even the President. That’s why he has so many advisers (Friend In-Deed).

6. How have your dreams come true?

MB: My own life experience has taught me that once people pick up their courage and deal with their emotional baggage, the mistaken beliefs they have made about themselves become conscious. Then they are able to find their Real Self – the one they were born to be. The experience with and knowledge of my participation in such profound transformation brings me breathtaking fulfillment. Today I am living my dream.

• I dreamed I was capable of helping people improve their lives on a profound level and in a way that was unique to them. And that’s what I get to do every day with my clients.

• I dreamed that the work I did on myself would free my children from recreating the troubled lives their parents had. Today my four adult children live really good lives. They have functional relationships with their 3 parents, their children and with each other.

• I dreamed that a relationship with the opposite sex could be a joy and help me learn about loving and giving, sharing, and mutual support. I’ve lived that dream for the past 29 years.

• I dreamed I’d use my teaching talents to help people become what they want to in life. Teach them how to use their gifts and talents to contribute both to the world, and to how they feel about themselves. Some of those people are the very same people who you might choose to coach you through YOU University

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Santa Monica - The Land of the Prius and Running Red Lights

I just drove home 2.4 miles. I checked it on Google Maps and I counted 16 Priuses which would lead me to believe that all of these people have some sort of awareness that says, "I want to be part of the solution on the planet". A great thing we'd likely all agree with.

On the other hand in my great aware city of Santa Monica, voted 44th best city to live in, running red lights has become more the norm then just stopping. Oh and let's not forget the new passing on the right to get 1 car or 12 cars ahead.

For me it has made driving and crossing the street a bit scary. A man actually yelled at me and my husband because he was expected to stop at a stop sign and we were crossing the street.

Is it EGO run rampant? In other words "I'm so important, don't you dare get in my way!" or is it anxiety? What is going on?

My Husband Assures Me I'm Not THAT Important

I live in a courtyard where 8 or 10 other apartments face into by at least a window. We have lovely flowers because two of my neighbors love to garden. We even have tomatoes and other vegetables growing in season because one of the gardeners is also a natural foods consultant.

And, this is Santa Monica - 2 miles from the beach with pretty much perfect weather.

Most of the time our courtyard is quiet. There is the occasional party and we do have some really "crying kids neighbors" who also periodically fight - badly and meanly and even sometimes physically. Basically it's the world.

Awhile back my husband would occasionally say, "Did you hear that?" but I always missed what he was talking about making me question that maybe my hearing was going. Well, what he had been hearing occasionally, I started hearing ALL THE TIME. It was a poor woman who might be suffering from dementia. She continuously and loudly was cursing her husband and what he made her do and what he didn't do etc, etc, etc.

Here's my guess: she was a good wife. She was probably born in the 30's or 40's or 50's and was taught - whether in her family or in her society - that she was supposed to be nice. Another words -  DO NOT EXPRESS YOUR ANGER AND HURT OR YOU WILL BE LABELED A BITCH.

So now she sounded like the worst bitch in the world. Maybe that is what dementia is about. We shut ourselves off and shut ourselves up and it has to get out some way.

Well, be that as it may, the continuous yelling was really getting to me. It's been warm and I work at home so closing the windows or putting on music wasn't really an option. So in my final attempt for sanity I turned it over i.e. I gave it to the Universe with a prayer something like, "Please God. Solve this. I'm going crazy."

Well, last night and today there has been nothing but silence again.

As I was cleaning up the kitchen I had a funny thought and told my husband about my prayer. I jokingly said, "You don't think God answered it and killed her do you?" He assured me with his lovely smile that "you are not as important as you think you are."

So I don't know if she is gone or moved to a hospital or what but I am grateful for the peace and I wish her blessings on wherever her journey has taken her. (And my husband and I have each vowed to continue to appropriately express our emotions so that if we are ever in that state, we won't trouble our kids or the neighbors with our screaming about what we never gave ourselves permission to express.)

Relationship Support for Me and My Martian

Making Sure We Have Relationship Support

My Martian and I have certain times that we set aside just for our relationship support. Every morning before school we have a little sacred time together. It certainly is not the same as a weekend in the country but it creates a beautiful everyday-ness to our lives. The Martian leaves for work at around 6:30 a.m. We get up by 4:00 a.m. to have enough time to do what we do without him rushing off and us not having a few minutes to connect.

It's at these little meetings for our relationship support that we catch each other up on what's happening in our lives, plan events and like this morning - even plan a little bit into the future. In December we are going to visit our kids and we are making reservations, etc.

In the past he has been at such a high level of stress by the time the semester is over, it was important that he has the time off to relax. Now after 8 years of teaching, he isn't that stressed. And on the day this is published he has a birthday. His 79th! and still teaching!

In the past when he was on vacation, I had trouble adjusting to having him in my "work space" - our home but we are each learning how to do this.

How does this all refer to Secret #5, 9 and 11?

• Secret #5 - By discussing what he's thinking about into the future, the Martian is respecting me and my desires and our sacred time.


• Secret #9 - By discussing what he's thinking about into the future, the Martian is making sure our sacred time is cared for. Certainly during the 2 month work breaks, we've had more of that then when he's working.


• Secret #11 - We are both following our own path. the Martian has a need to road test a new class in Robotics and doing it when he's not working full time is great self-care for him and me remaining aware of my his-needs-are-more-important tendencies are important to that pattern dissipating.

These are the ways that we have relationship support.  It is important for me to not only respect the Martian's time and visa versa but also be aware of the individual path I must take.  Being aware of both simultaneously allows us to be supportive of our relationship.

Self Growth - OK. Now I'm going to blow my own horn - at least a littlebit

Self Growth and Spiritual Growth

A short time ago I got off the phone with a client. She told me what follows and said I should write about it and so I am. There. That's my disclaimer in case you want to see me coming from my ego. (I'm kind of kidding. But really. So. She and I have been working together for about a year. She is stuck in her life for a couple of reasons: One, she experiences a lot of anxiety and has done so for many years. And, two, she needs to make this big decision and keeps vacillating.

What I finally saw about her self growth today and shared with her is this:

• While we as a culture used to talk about "that's how my nervous system is" and feel stuck with it - stuck with the genetics of our screwed up parents or forefathers and stuck with our own proclivities to anxiety or whatever negative systems we experienced because of our "rotten" childhoods. But now comes the Age of Responsibility.  Many of us know and/or believe that we chose our childhoods and parents. And even if that's too hard to swallow for you, science has shown us that we can change the physiology of our own brains by turning our thoughts to more positive ones and creating new neural connections. This is self growth and spiritual growth.

• And I shared that I am a living example of how this works. I was emotionally abused by my mother and sexually abused by my only loving parent, my father. So although I do believe I chose that childhood and those parents, I am not just a spiritual being. I am living a human experience. And in this experience I have choices. I have chosen to heal my emotional past. I have chosen to change my thoughts and beliefs.  I have chosen self growth. It has and does take effort. But the rewards are great.

What my client told me was that because I have done the work, share my experience and continue to exhibit the benefits of having done so, I help her know that she can do it too.

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Life Is a School - New Lessons at 70

I am lying on the couch waiting for my husband to finish some school stuff so we can re-watch a fantastic series from 2007 called "Life". Very spiritual although it's a cop show.

Anyway I have basically overexercised my foot and I can't really walk much until it heals (quickly I pray). It's really hard to not be able to do everything for myself because my husband, God bless him, has a very big and very time-consuming job for someone of any age and Friday he'll be 79! and also, he is not great at household stuff. Always willing but sort of a clutz. I figured out that he could bring me simple things to the table I hobbled over to and cut tomatoes, scooped cottage cheese onto a plate and added a few olives. I forgot I really like simple food and even boring cottage cheese was good (thing learned).

Also, it's amazing to find the words "overexercise" and "Maia" in the same sentence. I've always resisted and had to force myself and now just when I'm good with it, I have to really watch it because 70 year old bodies (or at least this 70 year old body) is fairly delicate (thing learned).

Sometimes it kind of pisses me off that I have to practice what I preach. I teach that there is a gift or a blessing or something to learn from everything that happens. Sometimes I get mad at God for not keeping things smooth for me, after all, I'm such a good person, but God apparently has a sense of humor and a unique way of teaching me what I have to learn.

So I learned:

1. Eating cottage cheese and veggies is good food.


2. Protecting my body is a good idea. It's not being a baby. It's really being realistic.

And, BTW, I know that lots of older people break hips and things from falls. Well I fell in my own house on Wednesday and I just took if very easy and I have nary a bruise or a hurt anything. So #2 is subheaded "protect my body and know that it's a good one."

Why I Won't Call an Old Friend One More Time

Drinking From An Empty Well

Dedicated to All Mothers Who Have Trouble Letting Go

I hate to let people go from my life - particularly ones who are fun, smart, emotionally connected and with whom the love flows back and forth. But sometimes people want to leave and I have to let them go.

Oh, I'll keep figuratively knocking on their door for awhile with email and phone messages but when I get no response over and over, what else can I do? I'll try to take it personally for a little while also. My mind will keep going 'round and 'round with "what did I do" or "what is about me they don't like".

But I recognize those old self-defeating tapes - the ones I used in the past to keep myself from having a fulfilling life. They aren't real. I know I didn't do anything to them and I am fine just the way I am.

They have their reasons for leaving. Maybe their life has become so busy that my importance in their scheme of things has  changed. Or maybe something is happening in their lives they think I'll disapprove of (people often make me and my husband into "parents"). Or maybe they are overwhelmed with some big, hard thing and can't manage to reach out. Or... Or... whatever!

I love them. I still miss them occasionally but my life has moved on too. And I meet the most amazing fabulous people almost every day of my life.

My trick for relieving myself of pain as soon as I can is to look for what's good about what's happening or how I can grow from it. How I can grow from letting people go is I can continue to feel a flow inside instead of tight spots that could blossom into physical pain or illness. If I continue to learn about letting go, I allow many new experiences into my life. Are you holding onto anyone or anything that wants to leave?

Client Runs Away from Himself (and the Coach Who Ran with Him) - SelfGrowth and Personal Goal Setting

I have a client who’s been coaching with me on and off for 6 years. Let’s call him, Eddie. He has major problems with money and self growth. When we started out I agreed to take him as a barter client who would provide marketing advise for my business. As the title implies, there are two parts to this little story - mine and his. I’ll start with me.

How I Ran Away

Back then, I was still running from a certain kind of communication because I tended to take too much responsibility for everyone - family members, clients, friends. I’ve since mended my ways and have taught myself to become aware when I’m doing that-thing-that-I-do. As a result both my boundaries and communication are much clearer.

How that scenario looked was - when I realized that Eddie’s marketing experience really couldn’t help my kind of business, I didn’t know how to say that to him so I said - nothing - and continued coaching him for nothing . We had some feeble conversations about the money but it never got cleared up. And I like the guy so much and he was making progress…. And I was doing my responsible-for-others thing .

We probably had that quasi-barter arrangement for a couple of years and then he stopped coaching. Sometime between his coaching ending and the current round of coaching, he surprised me and sent me a nice check to pay for some of the coaching we had done. It was a lovely surprise and a testimony to his good character. (I also took it as a sign from the Universe that I had made progress also.)

How He Ran Away

Eddie contacted me 10 months ago and said he wanted to do coaching again, wanted to have me make him accountable more strongly than before and sent me 6 post-dated checks so he wouldn’t weasel out of the deal.

He’s made great self growth progress with personal goal setting: buying and using Quicken, setting up a budget, beginning to see the need to forgive his father and ex-wife, sticking to his work commitments, etc. (I’ve been a little looser with him than other clients - allowing him lots of extra short calls. Maybe this is still me being overly-responsible?)

Anyway, two days ago I got an email from him telling me because his money problems are rearing their ugly head, he wanted to stop coaching. I understand him cutting back on his expenses - something we talked about often - although he does say his positive progress has been a result of our coaching so maybe this isn’t too wise but IN AN EMAIL! How chicken we all can be about disappointing others and what a mirror for my own chicken ways of dealing with difficult communication.

I invited him (via email) to talk about this over the phone but so far no Eddie. He reminded me (via email) that he’s not good at such things. I know, Eddie, that’s one of the things we’ve been working on - clearer, stronger, more powerful communication.

Years ago I would have taken this very personally. I don’t anymore. It happens this way sometimes and I hope Eddie finds what he needs to move him to the next level in his life. And I hope I remember Eddie when I am tempted to - dare I say it? - enable someone else.

Round 3 - a P.S.

Since I wrote this, I've had a quick third round with Eddie. Money issues. Job issues. The same old Eddie thing. After our first session this time around I thought to ask him if he believed what I told him (about his self growth issues being ties to not having forgiven his father for controlling him with money). He stopped a moment and said, "I take it with a grain of salt." Me aghast! "Why?" Eddie, "You're a friend and so I don't totally believe you." Go figure that one out. Anyway I fired him, lovingly, on the spot.